Thursday, 30 December 2010

I don't know, I guess a blog post about my year would be well suited right about now.
Well where do I start, although nothing much has drastically happened this year at the same time it has, because I can feel that I've changed as a person. I've become more confident with myself. I've made a bunch of new friends that I would not trade for the world. They've changed me into the person that I am today. Although there are some things I would love to change about myself, there are so much more qualities about myself that have been brought on my surroundings this year. I've become more cheerful and when I'm around certain people I enjoy life, and laughlaughlaugh because that's what gives me the most happiness. Love, love from others and for myself. I can remember a few years back, summer, when I was at such a low in life and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to turn to because I never felt like I ever had anybody. I hated myself for feeling like I did. I hated myself for having emotions that everyone felt. for being human! I was that naive. Even though I occasionally say that I'd like to just curl up into a ball and forget about the world today, back then I genuinely felt like crap. I would have gave anything to forget about everything and everyone. I cared about people that didn't even know I existed. I was extremely stupid but at the same time I look back at the person that I was today, and the person I was back then and I'm thankful for what's happened in the past because I would be nowhere as near as thankful for everything now if I didn't feel like I did before.
Things changed since then over the last two years. I made new friends and took my regrets on as lessons. I became to understand that there will always be someone that will hate or dislike me no matter where I go. Even in 10 years time when I won't be around most of the people I'm around today, there will always be that person. I've learnt not to bother about people that I know don't give two shits about me. I've learnt that my family and friends are precious and I know deep down who I care about, and who I should care about.

I've learnt that everything happens for a reason. If things aren't meant to be fixed up, then they won't be ever. I can try and try, but it still will not change what's going to happen. I've learnt that it's not a bad thing at all. Things will patch up, and I've seen things patch up as time has gone on. If one little thing had been altered in the past it would have affected everything about my life right now, and I would no way in hell have wanted anything to be changed back then if it meant my future would be not what it is today.

I lost a precious friend of mine. The only person that had ever been in my life would I could talk to all the time and she would listen, without a slight hint of judging in between our friendship. She moved to a different school after we had completed our GCSE's and decided that another sixth form would have been better for the subjects that she wanted to do. She told me few weeks after she had settled in that she loved her new school and it was the best decision she had made. She had planned to move to the different school, but she was unsure. I didn't know if she was going to stay at the same school as me or not, only to find out she had moved when I came back from my holiday after the summer. Linking back to what I previously said, although I do miss her so much I know it happened for a reason. She seems so happy and she's made new friends. She's enjoying her life and that is all I want her to do. She deserves it, for always being there for me. She was an amazing friend and anybody is lucky to call her a friend. The only time we ever fell out was two years ago, and I hate myself for being so stuck up. I really do, because I know now that I was in wrong and she did not deserve any of it. She wanted to be my friend again yet I refused her offer to stitch back up the beautiful friendship that we had. Shortly after we did end up being friends again but I still felt guilty that we had our first real fall out. I hate that we rarely ever talk now. We occasionally text each other but we don't talk as much as we did, and I don't feel like I can even talk to her about the things that I talked about way back then with her. We've become too distant by not seeing each other frequently. I don't think I'll ever find someone that was as trustworthy as her. I don't know where to let out my feelings, she was the only person that seemed like she could listen to all my problems. She held in all my secrets, and never told a soul. I can remember the first time I met her, when she told me that she had moved to this country from Nepal, because her parents wanted her to have a better education. I was surprised by how fluent her English was, and she told me that they held classes every single day at her old school, and she had a passion to learn English. She told me stories about her family and her friends from Nepal, they were so interesting. I would do anything to have all the times that I had with her back because I don't think I'll ever forget them.

I learnt how vital education was for my future. I learnt that my father and mother went through so much for us just to be here, with an amazing opportunity to have a long calm life in front of us. I learnt that I needed to try and put in as much effort into my work as I became to realise how much it meant to my parents for us to do well, and make something of ourselves and to not have to go through what they did. I learnt how much my parents really loved me. Through all the arguments and me getting pissed off at them, they only want what is best for me. They set certain boundaries for me because they know that's what is the best for me. They know that in a few years they'll have to let me go and let me live away from home, and they have to just let me. I've learnt that they hold so much trust in me and for me to break it, it would shatter so much. They would think so differently of me. I would not be the same person to them anymore. I've learnt that trust for my parents is one of the most important things they hold in their children. They would hate to see any of us break it.

Then came the holiday away at Pakistan. Last time I visited my cousins over there was in 2006, 4 years ago. I had changed so much since then, and I became to understand so much. I became much more mature and they all saw that. I realised the situation over there. For the first time ever, I cried over a group of people because that's how close I became to them over the span of just two months. I cried three separate times over the fact I was not going to see them again for a couple of years. I didn't even know how much I had bonded with them until the last night I had left with them. When I was looking at the place around me and I realised how much I loved these people and how much they loved me. I realised that my grandparents loved me so much too, and my love for them grew so much as the time went on, and they meant as much to me as my actual parents. They wanted me to make them feel proud, and they treated me like their own child. I found out a lot about myself when I was there. It has been two of the most beneficial months of my entire life.

This year I also became much more involved with the whole blogging side of the Internet. I had made a tumblrApril of 2009, and I then remade with a new blog on the December time of 2009. I started using my blogspot a lot more this year but I believe that making a tumblr had changed me a lot more as a person that any other site. I started using it in 2009 and became to love everything about it. Now I look at myself I see that the site has played such a big part in changing me into the person that I am. I realised much more too. My blog was a big gigantic canvas for me. I could throw all my feelings and inspiration into it. It helped me through the highs and lows of this year. I even made a blog for myself to blog about my day, about every surprise that happened that I only wanted to document privately to myself so one day I could look back and read about my past. When I first started a blog I had no idea a single site would have ever had so much affect on me. I never felt like I was completely alone in my thoughts because as soon as I blogged my feelings, I would get replies by people so much like me that said that they felt the same way too. It was such a big sigh of relief to realise that I wasn't completely alone in my thoughts and I wasn't a strange girl that only felt strange emotions that no one else in the world had ever heard of, never mind felt. I don't feel alone till this day, and I love every single person that had spoken positively to me. I would never be as confident with myself as I am today. I don't think I could ever be able to voice my opinions if it wasn't for the community on sites like deviantart and tumblr. I've reached over 22 thousand followers since December of last year, and it's overwhelming to say the least. Who would have thought that so many people would have interest in my blog, somewhere where I basically threw whatever expressed myself that day, and people would take any interest in it. around

Basically what I'm trying to say is that I am so so so so so (x138947983) grateful for everyone that I have met in my life, for every positive and even negative word that has been spoken to me, and about me. I would not be the person that I am today if it wasn't for everything that happened this year. All the little surprises. All the days when I felt like complete crap, which made me appreciate the good days even more. All the laughs that my people have provided me with. I still don't think everything that I've just wrote up there^^^ is enough. It's even made me realise how much this year has really changed me and my life. I'd just like to thank everything and everyone.

So am I officially the queen of cheesiness or what?   :3

3 comments:

  1. this is such a lovely post, it's not cheesy at all! hope you have a good new year :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. NA BRO THE QUEEN OF CHEESINESS IS MY TITLE SO~
    heheh.
    I truly loved and enjoyed reading this. :)

    ReplyDelete

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