i'm sat here at quarter to 1 at night going through these stream of thoughts. i can't say it's come out of nowhere. there is just something i have realised about the world. it goes at an alarming pace and i can't and will not be one of the people that just 'lives' like every other normal person on earth. i want to be the person that will be remembered. after i die. i just want to be the best i can be and i don't think i'm even reaching that goal at that moment. not even attempting and it hurts to know that i'm my own worst enemy. i don't like to rant about myself but i just feel like i need to get it all out. i know people that have already achieved things in life that i would not even imagine of. they've already lived like i'm planning to do. it's stupid and i'm stupid for holding back on so much. i know that i'm going to lead a different life to a lot of people and i can't go past my restrictions but at times i feel trapped. like i have no freedom. i want some sort of passion that drives me to do new things. i want to look back at a particular chapter in my life and have a huge smile on my face because i can say that i'm proud. i want to be able to grow old knowing in my heart i've done everything i would have ever hoped to do at this fragile age of sixteen.
it's a scary thought. i'm going to be seventeen in january. seventeen. i can't even comprehend how that makes me feel about myself. i don't know what to say. i always believe i'm growing up too fast which i don't like. it kills me. and then another year will mean i'll be eighteen. i never would have thought i would stil feel like a little girl at these prime ages between teenage and adult life. in two years i'll be living away at university. i'll hopefully be studying a subject i'm good at and i have always wanted to study since a young age but at the same time i don't want to do that. i want to explore the world and just be free as possible before i get married, have children and get tied down to a family that i can't just leave. i'm not saying that i won't like that, because i will. i do dream of living a married life and being happy and looking at my own children knowing that without me, they would not be there. i know it would be an amazing feeling to look at a partner knowing they love you will all their heart and have agreed to live the rest of there life with you. looking at you and waking up next to you everyday. knowing they can escape but they won't because they can't live without you, breath or sleep without you.
i know life is going to turn out to be a beautiful thing but right now i'm just at the age where i have a head full of dreams and ambitions yet they're surrounded by worried thoughts too. i know that it'll all turn out right. things will fall in place and i'll fall in place. God will make everything right if that's what is written in my book. to him it's all written, to me it's all unwritten and the book will turn page by page each second, minute, hour, day, month, year and all i can do is sit back and watch it all unravel.